I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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