she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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