in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
