I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
