Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Someone came in the potted fern
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
