The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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