you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
