Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
