My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
