I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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