I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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