i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
