Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My penis needs a shock collar
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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