I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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