How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
