We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They took my balls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
