if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
