I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
