I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
