Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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