I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you never un-have a 4some
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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