Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
