Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
