i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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