im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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