if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
