Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
As shirtless as possible
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
