I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
