Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
