Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
