i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
