She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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