Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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