you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
