Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
