I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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