That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
