Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
