Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
