so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
