My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
