I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
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Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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