I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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