i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
