Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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