I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
