So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
