I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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