I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
