I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
