I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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