Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
