you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
