You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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