saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh god it's open bar.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
