someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..