She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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