my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
